One Year

Our angel is one year! Friends, family, and co-workers have been asking me “can you believe its been a year?” no, no I can’t. It was just last week we found out we were pregnant, just yesterday I had her, where did the time go? What happened to my new born?

Aria has developed into her little self already. She is the smartest baby I have even seen/met. I know that every parent must say that, but even her doctor is so impressed with her vocabulary, eating, and over all development. She says mama, dada, this, teddy, nana, papa, juice, and cookie. She is trying so hard to walk, just a few steps these days, but trying so hard.

As I said in a previous post, I wanted to write a letter to Aria on her First birthday and give it to her on a special occasion. Below is my letter.

Aria, my precious daughter, you are the love of my life. It is true what they say, you never know how much you could love someone until you hold your child in your arms. You light up my day every time I see your precious face. I can’t wait to wake up in the morning to see your smile and watch you learn and grow as you play. You have brought so much joy to our lives. You make everyone so happy! I must admit, motherhood isn’t an easy road. You have made me realize how patient and gentle I can be. You have kept me up literally all night long, you have screamed in my ears, you have given me trials and tribulations all in one year, but I would not give up those times for anything! Even now you have become miss independent and don’t like to cuddle as much as you used to. I miss those times you needed me in the middle of the night where I have to rock you for hours with you asleep on my chest. I cherish those times where I could just breathe you in each breath you took. I have spent a year of sleepless nights, worries of your health and happiness, questions of am I a good mother. You reassure me that I am doing things right when you fall into me with a hug or hold on to me so tight when I get you out of your crib first thing in the morning. I have spent a year trying to find the right words to say to you. I happened to come across another mom’s blog and she was able to find the words for the feelings in my heart.

You Won't Remember, But I Will

You won't remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, "We can do this."

You won't remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled "Hi, baby" in your ear.

You won't remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again.

You won't remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful girl in the room to me.

You won't remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was.

You won't remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you'd look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn't.

You won't remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses.

You won't remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs?

You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow.

You won't remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go.

You won't remember, but I will... and I'll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

Please know that you will always be my baby, you will never do wrong in my eyes, I love you more than you will ever know.

Eleven Months

Aria has become this little person that has so much spirit and light that she amazes me every day. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful child. She is the sweetest, smartest, prettiest thing I have ever met. She is eating like an adult. With her meals consisting of anywhere from chicken nuggets to green beans to pineapple she loves it all. She is talking and mocking us to the best of her ability with words like mama, daddy, nah, yep, this. There is never a dull moment. She loves to mock her daddy for some reason and never me.   She still hasn’t mastered walking yet, but she still loves to move and groove.

Our nightly routine has become the best part of the day for me. When I get home I cook and we sit down at the kitchen table and eat together.  While I clean up, Andrew plays with her by chasing her around the island in her walker or dancing and singing with her.  Then Andrew runs her bath and she has the most fun splashing and giggling. She is defiantly a water baby. After her bath we have a dance party. They (whoever they are) say that you are supposed to relax right before bedtime, but we have a party. We put on some music and sing and dance around. Then its finally time to go to sleep. Andrew says good night and gets his kisses and I start rocking her. The first thing I do is pray for her. I pray for things that I would feel that she would ask God for or thank him for:

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake I pray to the Lord my soul to take. God thank you for my family and friends and our health and happiness. Please let all of my friends at school have a healthy year and have lots of fun. Amen.

Then I hum “You are my Sunshine” or “Hush Little Baby” as I hum I just stare at her and kiss her sleepy eyes. I try to take in every second because I know this time won’t last. Once she is done with her bottle I put her on my chest and I pray over her. I pray that God keeps her healthy and happy. I pray that he gives me the guidance to raise her to be a God loving, successful, confident woman.  today I came across a prayer that seems to say exactly what I want to say:

Lord, I pray that your light will shine through them in the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven. (Matthew 5:16) 

Ten Months

Aria is 10 months old and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that in two short months our beautiful daughter will be 1! She has been such a blessing to us. We can’t imagine our life without her. She has brought us so much joy and happiness. Yes, there are times when we are exhausted and frustrated, but not at her, but her situation. I don’t think she will ever know how much we love her.

Now, an update on her milestones, she has eight teeth and is currently working on four more, she isn’t walking on her own yet but is really trying, she still loves to play chase when she is in her walker, she is saying mama, dada, bye, this, and is trying to say Teddy. It kinda sounds like ie lol unfortunately; it is not all fun and games. Poor girl has been sick since September. She started off having that damn HFMD then immediately had an ear infection, then a cold, then and ear infection, she currently has a double ear infection and the doctor said if she gets another one after this round of antibiotics then she will need tubes. That terrifies me. I can’t imagine her having surgery so young. I know thousands of children have the surgery and it is routine, but I have to tell myself that if it will help her then we will have to do it.

I have been having a tough time with the thought of her turning one. when she was first born I didn’t feel that immediate bond and now that I do I feel that I want time to stop so I can make up for those missed first months feelings. I have read article upon article of mothers who feel the same way as I do, but this one was true to my heart.

Dear Mama of a Soon-To-Be 1-Year-Old,

Girl, I feel your pain. I really do. I am in the same boat. That same emotional boat. Are you going through CryFest 2014 like me when you look at newborn photos?

I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I just want to make sure that you know you are normal for feeling this way. Or, maybe I want to know that it's normal to feel this way!

Anyway, you know you are a first-time mama with a soon-to-be 1-year-old when...

1. You look at the clock when it's nearing bedtime and you get excited knowing you will get some rest! The days are exhausting, following your little torpedo of a crawler around or chasing your toddling baby around the house, right? And as soon as they go down, there you are. You sit with your iPhone looking at pictures of said baby, because you miss him or her already.

2. The idea of your kid actually speaking to you is just too much to handle.

3. You stopped calling your baby a newborn just a few months ago.

4. When you walk by the baby section at The Gap and enter the Boy/Girl section, it's emotional. Really emotional.

5. You have to stop yourself from approaching little newborns and stroking their pudgy faces. This behavior is more than OK when you know the baby, but the issue is when you want to do this with EVERY baby you see these days ON THE STREET.

6. If you plan on having more kids, you wonder to yourself how you can love another baby like you love your first. You ask your friends how they do it. Even though everyone says your heart can handle more love, you still aren't sure if you believe that it's possible. You love this kid SO MUCH.

7. When your baby graduates and moves on to a bigger diaper size, you consider holding on to the last one as a memento. You know this is a problem and you are OK with it. It's just a diaper... right?

8. You've Instagrammed and/or Facebooked the hell out of your baby lately and because you don't want to appear too over-the-top, you send additional takes of the same photos to your mommy besties and spouse. People will never know the restraint you have in posting everything you would want to share about your little guy/gal.

9. You bawled your eyes out when you saw this video. Damn you, Pampers Japan! So much that when you go to birthday parties for 1- year-olds, you also hug the parents and say, "Happy first birthday."

10. You are confused as hell on the next stage of feeding and milk offerings that's supposed to happen. You didn't know so many forms of milk existed.

11. You've decided to learn how to approach future tantrums by analyzing the sh*t out of any live preview you can get these days from kids kicking and screaming in restaurants a grocery stores. You wanna play it cool when it happens; you really don't want to lose your sh*t too.

12. For the upcoming birthday, you consider having a full-out Pinterest-inspired party... either that, or stay home, order takeout and hang a banner that says, "We survived the first year." Both options are great, by the way.

13. You have come to accept that you are THAT mom, the mom who over-posts stuff about their kid on social media. You hated that mom before and now, you are her... only worse.

14. You feel guilty about how you spent this year. Whether you were working full-time, working part-time, working from home or staying at home, the guilt just can't go away.

15. You can't help but give advice to new moms. Not because you know better, but because you know that someone threw you a rope when you needed it. You absolutely know that it takes a village to raise children in the world we live in.

16. You think back and (hopefully) laugh on how many times you ate your words about all the things you swore you wouldn't do that you actually do do now. Same goes with how you wouldn't turn into your mother. Oops.

17. You wish you had a deal with Father Time and you would give ANYTHING to freeze these last few days and have them play out in slow motion.

18. You have drowned your hard mommy days with wine. More than you care to talk about.

19. You look at your body and you know its different now, but c'mon, say it with me, "We can grow people!"

20. Still, after all this time, you have to run back into the house whenever you take the baby anywhere because you forgot to pack something. After all this time, you still run late. You have yet to go on a vacation where you didn't have to go to the store for the baby.

21. Two words: baby feet. You're obsessed with your little one's appendages. You can't believe how adorable and yummy they are, am I right?

22. Your memory of your delivery and labor is less traumatizing day after day because the love of this little person made it all worth it.

23. Going to Target, sans baby, is somewhat of a mommy aphrodisiac. It's the same deal when your spouse lets you sleep in while he watches the baby. Who knew?

24. You are thankful for all the moms you know, and proud to be one. You are sorry for the assumptions you had made about motherhood, and know there is so much more word-eating coming at you.

25. You know you'll cry, I mean ugly cry, when "Happy Birthday" is sung at your child's first birthday party.

Good luck to you, mama -- my waterproof mascara and I wish you the most special day!

Nine Months

9 months has been a lot calmer for us. Aria seems to be in a routine now and it makes the house a lot happier all around. She is still crawling or like I like to call it walling kinda a walk/crawl. She wants to walk so bad and can just doesn’t realize that she can yet. We have caught her several times standing without holding onto anything. she has a push walker toy that she loves and want to run when she is using it. we have to hold on to it so she doesn’t run and hurt herself. We had to revert to the crying method a night. it broke my heart to hear her but that was the best thing we could have done. It has helped her at home and at the sitters. Misty said that she takes great naps now. she is still only saying mama, dada, and bye bye, but we here her jabbering away all the time. the newest thing is this derkia derkia kinda sound. She sounds like she is trying to speak Japanese or something.

I feel at peace now. I feel like we are in a good place. We have a good routine going and I pray that it continues. I feel like I have time for me and Andrew again and a little bit of time to clean the house and do chores. I don’t know how long it will last, but I am soaking up every second of it. 

Eight Months

Aria is now eight months and what a month it has been! She is crawling in full force and is now at the stage of pulling up on everything by her and even transitioning from object to object. She still has only 10 teeth. Only 10, I know! You are thinking WOW 10 teeth at 8 months! Yeah, one night we were not fast enough to respond to a cry and she now has teeth marks in her crib! lol I am glad to have a break from the teething though. Mama needs her rest. We have started her on normal foods. She loves fruits and veggies and her fruit puffs. All of these new foods make me nervous which I guess is normal for new moms. I am afraid that she may choke or have a reaction. We are taking it by baby steps. She is saying mama, dada, and bye bye and waves. She started copping us when we make a clicking sound with our tongue and she does the same thing and just laughs. She thinks she is hilarious.

This month has been a month of doctors’ visits. I have taken her to the doctor once a week this month. The first visit was after a night of no sleep and when I say no sleep I mean NONE! We tried to lay her down at 8:00 like normal and it wasn’t happening. She would pop up so I kept that up for about an hour. Needless to say I wasn’t able to put her down all night. She never really went to sleep so I knew something was off. I took her to the doctor the next day and the PA said that everything looked good aside from some drainage and that all we could give her is Motrin and Tylenol due to her age. After a few days of her still being fussy I took her back to the doctor and her normal doctor said that everything looked fine but she must have an infection somewhere so she put her on an antibiotic. Two weeks went by where she was her normal self.

The Monday of the following week the sitter called and said that she had a fever of 102. I ran and picked her up and called the doctor AGAIN to make an appointment. The Sunday before she woke up in the middle of the night with a 99 fever but we assumed it was teething. She was acting fine all day and Monday morning so we took her to daycare. Well by the time her doctors appointment rolled around she was miserable. Time we walked into the office the doctor said “oh no, she has hand foot mouth disease” I had never even heard of it until recently. It seems like 3 or 4 of my friends posted about their kids having it. So of course she said that it is a virus and has to run its course. By Wednesday her arms, legs, face, butt, tootsie, mouth, throat, hands and feet were covered in blisters. I mean covered! I felt horrible. I know there is nothing you can do to prevent it, but she was just so miserable and there is nothing you can do to help. By Thursday she was better and her skin started to settle down.

After all of the HFMD drama guess who caught it next?! Yep mom! I told Andrew that I felt like a baby myself and Aria handled it better than me. I just had it on my hands and feet! Andrew managed to escape it, but my parents were not so lucky. They both are just now getting over there spat with it. We are now trying to get her back to her normal sleeping routine and I pray that she does soon. So far the past 2 or 3 nights have been great! She gets up once during the night but goes right back out. I pray she keeps it up. I can deal with that.

Can't keep the stickers on the shirts anymore ;)

Seven Months

This girl has been growing like a weed. She now has 7 teeth! Yes! 7 teeth and will probably have two more by the time I am done with this post. She is crawling all over the place and is even pulling herself up to her feet and stands flat footed. She has been saying mama, but she really doesn’t associate it with me. She will just be playing saying “mamamamamamamama” a few nights ago we were playing and I said “Aria, where’s dada?” She looked right at Andrew and said “dada” like it was nothing. From that moment on she has been saying dada when she looks at him! It blows my mind how fast they learn things and how quickly they grow. She is now eating about 2 jars of baby food a day, puffs, and teething cookies. Once I have a free moment to cook a decent meal we will start her on normal foods.

Daycare is going great! the first day I was a hot mess. I cried the Sunday night when I packed her bag, I cried when I got her dressed, I cried when I was driving her there, I was hysterical when I took her out of the car and then what did she do! She smiled and giggled when the sitter took her. This made it all better for me! I felt complete relief. It has been about two weeks now and every morning when I drop her off she reaches for the sitter with a smile and a giggle. She loves the other children and they love her. I know she will be making great memories while there. 

Ok, let’s be honest. When people tell you that being a parent is hard you think, o sure how hard can it be? Well let me tell you I was wrong! Being a mom is very hard! I am truly blessed to be a mother and to have a child that is good. Who doesn’t cause a fuss or cries at the drop of a hat. I feel horrible for even complaining, but I want it to be known that it is hard work!

Aria was doing so good at night! She would sleep from around 9:00 to 5:00/6:00! Then the teeth…those damn teeth! The first night she was up from 12:30-4:00 crying and being extremely fussy. The next day I took her to the doc and he couldn’t believe it himself. Her whole top row were coming in at once. I mean all the way to her molars! Since that night she has woken up several times in pain. This week in particular has been horrible. I ended up taking her back to the doctor who told me that she was having sinus/allergy issues, but no infection.

In these sleepless nights we have been having I feel like I am the only woman in the world awake as I walk a track in the nursery. We have been in the house 3 weeks and I feel like I am wearing a hole in the new carpet. I find myself feeling extremely frustrated with her. I know that she can’t help that she doesn’t feel good and I know that. I have always said I could never understand how a mother can hurt her child or leave them to cry themselves to sleep, but now that I am experiencing it I can see it. I can see how if you are not a strong enough woman to know what your limit it how you can just snap. When you are exhausted from being at work a 9 hour day then come home, are a housekeeper, wife, and then have to stay up all night being mother you are on the brink of implosion.

The night she was up from sun down to sun up I felt that snap coming! She would go from a whimper, to a cry, to a scream, back to a whimper. This continued for hours on end. I finally got to the point I had to keep sitting her down to take a minute. One time I set her down and she fell back and hit her head on the carpet. I know that it didn’t hurt her and that she was ok, but she let out this horrible scream and became hysterical. I just picked her up and lost it myself. I felt like it was my fault. That I caused her to bump her head. If I was holding her the entire time she wouldn’t have done that. She was already in pain and I just made it worse. I am her mother and I am supposed to make everything better. I sat on the floor with her and rocked back n forth begging her to forgive me! What else could I do! I swore that night that I would hold her as long as I could. I would swallow my frustration and stay up for hours on end with a smile on my face if I could.

Last night was another rough night. I was up from 2:30-4:00 trying everything without losing patience. We played, we bounced, and we rocked and swayed. Nothing helped. I felt that frustration bubbling up to the service again. I went and got Andrew and told him that he had to take over. 30 minutes later he came in and had her asleep. How in the world did that happen! I think it must be true that children can sense frustration and feed off of it. He went in calmly and handled it. I thought to myself last night is it possibly to get post-partum at the 7 month mark? I feel like I am the only woman in the world who feels this way. I feel alone, tired, frustrated, and most of all guilty. I feel guilty for not being able to take this in stride and just rock all night without feeling the exhaustion. I pray that the 8^th month mark will be better.  

Six Months

Our beautiful daughter is now 6 months old! She is eating at least one jar of baby food a day, is crawling in full force, has her two bottom teeth (which popped in when she was 5 months and 8 days), loves to laugh, RUN in her walker, pull on Teddy, reaches out for me and her daddy when others hold her, and still has everyone wrapped around her cubby little finger. Next month she starts daycare and I am very torn. I want her to grow up with interaction with other children. I think it is the best way to have a well-rounded child. Our parents have been able to watch her for the first 6 months of her life but now I have the ever growing fears running through my head:

1-      She will learn to say the baby sitters name before mama or daddy

2-      She will love her more than us

3-      She will bond more with her than us

4-      She will cry when I pick her up vs. cry when I drop her off

5-      She will not receive the same love and affection that we, her family, could give her

There are many more, but I am not going to bore you with the never ending list. I am told that these fears will subside, but I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…yet. I always said that I wanted to write her a letter for her every year and give them to her on her 18^th birthday, wedding day, or birth of her child. I think I would like to start at this point. Here is the first letter to my precious angel!

To my beautiful daughter, where to I begin, from the moment your daddy and I met we knew that we wanted children. Secretly we both wished for a daughter. After being married for almost 5 years we found out that our prayers were answered and that we would be expecting a beautiful little girl. We knew that you would be sweet and precious, we just never realized how much! The day you were born was the best day of our lives. I can close my eyes and remember how soft and light you were. I felt like all I was holding was a warm blanket. I stared at you every minute I had you near me. Even while you slept I would lean over and sneak a peek. I have always heard how special children are and how you will love them more than anything in the world. I love you more than anything in the universe. You are now 6 months old and you have brought more joy in my life than you could even imagine. Being a working mom is hard, especially right now. For the first 6 months of your life we have been building the house you will grow up in. I feel that it has robbed me of precious time I can spend with you. I pray every day that when I come home you will still light up when you see me and give me your adorable smile. I pray that you don’t forget my face or be comforted by the faces of others. That is a selfish thing to say, but you are my heart and I want to keep you to myself. I can’t wait to get home every day and hold you in my arms and look at your tiny little hands grab my hair and get your sweet open mouth kisses. I can’t wait for the chores to be done so I can spend at least one hour of play time to watch you learn and grown into this amazing human being. There are not enough hours in the day. It seems that as soon as our day begins in the blink of an eye it is ending with me rocking you to sleep. From the beginning I have been one of those mothers that didn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night. I have viewed those as precious moments we will have together that I will never get back. Those times are starting to come to an end. You are now waking up once during the night. Almost every night I still wake up and just go look at you. Hoping you will wake up so I can hold you for a few more minutes because I know when the sun rises that means another work day, more time away from you. I pray that you will always be healthy and happy and that you will grow up with a wonderful childhood full of love, laughter, and fond memories. You will never know how much I love you, you are my angel.